El Nacho Borracho, and other horrific mistakes

There's no getting around it: Cheese sauce is friggin' delicious. This is empirical facthood. Who doesn't love a nice crispy mountain of tortilla chips, glistening with creamy rivers of spicy, melty, satisfying nacho cheese?

Communists. That's who.*

And you know what? There's no reason you shouldn't be able to enjoy such a snack, no matter what kind of diet you happen to be on (lactose intolerance notwithstanding). To me, eating right also means eating well, and you can't achieve that by denying yourself life's pleasures. The key here is PORTION CONTROL.

Now, I'm not naive. I know how it works, because I've been there. You start out with the best of intentions. You tell youself, "I'm just gonna have a small, reasonable portion of this delicious nacho nectar, and that'll be the end of it." And that's exactly what you do. But then, that lucious vat of cheese is still there, staring at you, beckoning you with its gooey siren song. "What's one more chip?" you ask yourself. But one more chip becomes two more, becomes ten more, becomes holy crap I've lifted the whole bowl of cheese to my lips and have actually begun to drink. You stagger into the bathroom to look at yourself in the mirror, shocked to find that you are no longer the proud and health-conscious person that once you were. The haggard, greasy, orange-lipped madman staring back at you is none other than EL NACHO BORRACHO (The Nacho Drunkard)!

Dun Dun DUNNNN!

The thing is, human willpower is inherently weak and not to be relied upon at all. But as is often the case, we can find salvation with a little help from our friends. This is particularly easy where nachos are concerned. How so, you ask? Simple: When you're itching for some nachos and you want to make sure you don't overindulge, THROW A PARTY! Have some friends over to share the nachos with you! That way everybody gets some, there are no left-overs, and you're not consuming a bucket of cheese all by yourself.

Of course, this requires making the nacho cheese. Yeah, you could go buy a jar of Big Jerkface Brand Nacho Cheese Sauce, but most of those are oozing preservatives and taste faintly of molten traffic cones. And I assure you, that day-glow orange color is nowhere to be found in nature. By making your own, you can control the flavor, eliminate the chemicals, and maybe even impress members of the opposite sex with your mad, mad nacho skills.

It's not difficult at all. I promise. Look, here's an easy recipe I came up with on the fly:

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 1/2 cups shredded Monterey Jack chese
• 1/2 cup queso fresco (a wonderful, creamy, fresh Mexican cheese that you can find in most standard supermarkets)
• 1/4 cup dry white wine
• 5 or 6 dashes of Tabasco or Frank's Red Hot or hot sauce of choice (amount varies to taste)
• splash of low-fat milk (less than 1/4 cup)
• 1 small clove of garlic, grated (OPTIONAL)
• salt, to taste

EQUIPMENT:

• double boiler (NOTE: If you don't have one, then put a few cups of water in a medium saucepan and then put a glass mixing bowl on top of it. The idea here is GENTLE, INDIRECT HEAT)
• wire whisk and/or silicon spatula

PROCESS:

• Set your real or makeshift double boiler on the stovetop on medium-low heat. If your heat is too high, then you run the risk of making your cheese sauce grainy in texture. Think LOW AND SLOW.
• Add your Monterey Jack cheese and milk. Stir gently and constantly until you start to achieve melty goodness.
• Slowly add queso fresco until incorporated fully.
• When you've got a nice, even smoothness, slowly add the white wine until fully integrated.
• Add your hot sauce, tasting often to make sure you don't overdo it. And if you want to add the garlic, now is a good time to do so.
• When everything's nice and melty, scrape that badboy into a serving bowl and let the party begin. Boom-shakalaka.

SAFETY TIP: Nacho cheese is for spicing up your tortilla chips, not for spicing up your bedroom romance. Hot Cheese + No No Place = Irremediable Damage to Body and Soul.

Do you have your own nacho cheese recipe? Have you tried this one and want to lavish me with praise? Did it suck and now you want me to drown myself in a bowl of melted cheese? Do you have a cool picture of a llama and really want us to see it? Whatever the case, bring it on! Email us at TheTacoDiet@gmail.com


*Or zombies. Or zombie-communists. Zombunists.