What is the sound of one taco crunching? Yeah. That's deep. Think about it.

I know. We've been bad. No taco posts for over a week now, and no doubt our 14 loyal fans are in a panic.

The thing is, life gets in the way from time to time. And oddly enough, it seems SOME employers (read "fascists") consider blogging to be an unacceptable expenditure of work hours.

But not to worry! Between the two of us, we've got umptee-zillion posts all ready to go, and they'll soon be up for all to see. Pictures, too. And when Dug's travels send him closer to my neck of the woods this November, we'll be embarking upon such epic taco-related foolishness as has never been conceived by sane and reasonable people, and we will have the videos to prove it.

Let it suffice to say that we will need a lot of Maalox.

Sweet, Sweet Taco Love

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Ben and Dug, your recipes are so awesome that they kick us right in the face with FLAVOR! But sometimes we crave sugary sweetness! Can such a thing be found in taco form?"

Yes.  Yes it can.  And no, you don't have to resort to that gastronomic abomination known as the "Choco Taco." You can satisfy your cravings, impress your friends, AND keep your caloric intake relatively low by following this simple recipe for...

Fresh Fruit Taco with Margarita-Flavored Whipped Cream!

Ingredients:

• UNSALTED hard taco shells
• 1 small jar/container of Adzuki bean paste/sweet red bean paste. You can find this in your local Asian grocery, or in your supermarket's international aisle.
• 1 pint fresh cherries, halved and pitted
• 1 pint fresh strawberries, washed and sliced
• 1 fresh kiwi, peeled and diced
• 3-4 clementies, peeled, separated, and diced
• whipping cream (how much you use depends on how much you want)
• zest of 1 lime
• julienned orange peel (about a handful)
• jar of agave nectar (can be found in most supermarkets in the international or Mexican section)

Process:

• Take your unsalted taco shells, your agave nectar, and a clean basting brush. Use the brush to give the taco shells a nice light coating of the agave nectar, inside and out, and then set to dry on a drying rack for about 15-20 minutes. The shells should be slightly sticky, but still crunchy. DON'T soak them through!
• Get a medium-sized metal mixing bowl, which you'll have chilled in the refrigerator for 10 minutes or so. Add your whipping cream. Get a hand mixer and whip it ("...into shape! Shape it up! Get it straight!") until it acquires that nice whipped cream texture. Careful not to whip TOO long, or you'll end up with butter.
• Add about a teaspoon of your agave nectar to the whipped cream, and zest your lime into the bowl as well. You're looking for a VERY FINE zest here, not big chunks of skin; we're looking for subtle flavor. Now, whip the cream a bit more until everything is integrated. Then cover the bowl with plastic wrap and put in in the fridge until you're ready to assemble.
• On your stovetop in a medium saucepan, heat up about 1/4 cup of agave nectar and toss in your julienned orange peel. Keep the heat low and be careful not to scald it. Stir frequently for about two or three minutes until the orange peel picks up a nice coating of the sugary nectar, and then carefully lay it out to dry on some parchment paper.
• Take your taco shell, and spoon a layer of the sweet Azuki bean paste into the bottom (maybe 1/4" thick). Looks kinda like refried beans, right? That's the idea.
• Sprinkle in your various fruits. You don't actually have to use the fruits I've listed, I just happen to think they go nicely together.
• Top with a few spoonfulls of your margarita-flavored whipped cream, and then sprinkle some candied orange peel on top, which will give the impression of sour cream and shredded cheese. I know; I'm a genius.

BOOM. That's it. Quick, healthy, creamy, crunchy, and sweet. What more could you want in a dessert?
I'll tell you what more you could want: LIQUOR. And for anyone who's of legal drinking age, let me offer this humble suggestion for accompaniment. You'll need:

• A bottle of either a late-harvest Riesling, a late-harvest Gewurztraminer, or a Muscato di Asti, slightly chilled. Any of those will have a subtle honey-like sweetness with just a bit of citrus bite, which will go nicely with the dessert taco.
• Good wine glasses (put down those red plastic cups, you!)
• Portishead's self-titled album and a good set of speakers. Alternatively, the best of Barry White (this will require a roaring fireplace and a bearskin rug)
• Candles. lots and lots of candles.
• Prophylactic of choice

Step One: Figure it out. I don't give that kind of advice away for free.
*EDIT: I actually love Choco Tacos. But let's not kid ourselves; they're not exactly a healthy choice of snack.

El Nacho Borracho, and other horrific mistakes

There's no getting around it: Cheese sauce is friggin' delicious. This is empirical facthood. Who doesn't love a nice crispy mountain of tortilla chips, glistening with creamy rivers of spicy, melty, satisfying nacho cheese?

Communists. That's who.*

And you know what? There's no reason you shouldn't be able to enjoy such a snack, no matter what kind of diet you happen to be on (lactose intolerance notwithstanding). To me, eating right also means eating well, and you can't achieve that by denying yourself life's pleasures. The key here is PORTION CONTROL.

Now, I'm not naive. I know how it works, because I've been there. You start out with the best of intentions. You tell youself, "I'm just gonna have a small, reasonable portion of this delicious nacho nectar, and that'll be the end of it." And that's exactly what you do. But then, that lucious vat of cheese is still there, staring at you, beckoning you with its gooey siren song. "What's one more chip?" you ask yourself. But one more chip becomes two more, becomes ten more, becomes holy crap I've lifted the whole bowl of cheese to my lips and have actually begun to drink. You stagger into the bathroom to look at yourself in the mirror, shocked to find that you are no longer the proud and health-conscious person that once you were. The haggard, greasy, orange-lipped madman staring back at you is none other than EL NACHO BORRACHO (The Nacho Drunkard)!

Dun Dun DUNNNN!

The thing is, human willpower is inherently weak and not to be relied upon at all. But as is often the case, we can find salvation with a little help from our friends. This is particularly easy where nachos are concerned. How so, you ask? Simple: When you're itching for some nachos and you want to make sure you don't overindulge, THROW A PARTY! Have some friends over to share the nachos with you! That way everybody gets some, there are no left-overs, and you're not consuming a bucket of cheese all by yourself.

Of course, this requires making the nacho cheese. Yeah, you could go buy a jar of Big Jerkface Brand Nacho Cheese Sauce, but most of those are oozing preservatives and taste faintly of molten traffic cones. And I assure you, that day-glow orange color is nowhere to be found in nature. By making your own, you can control the flavor, eliminate the chemicals, and maybe even impress members of the opposite sex with your mad, mad nacho skills.

It's not difficult at all. I promise. Look, here's an easy recipe I came up with on the fly:

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 1/2 cups shredded Monterey Jack chese
• 1/2 cup queso fresco (a wonderful, creamy, fresh Mexican cheese that you can find in most standard supermarkets)
• 1/4 cup dry white wine
• 5 or 6 dashes of Tabasco or Frank's Red Hot or hot sauce of choice (amount varies to taste)
• splash of low-fat milk (less than 1/4 cup)
• 1 small clove of garlic, grated (OPTIONAL)
• salt, to taste

EQUIPMENT:

• double boiler (NOTE: If you don't have one, then put a few cups of water in a medium saucepan and then put a glass mixing bowl on top of it. The idea here is GENTLE, INDIRECT HEAT)
• wire whisk and/or silicon spatula

PROCESS:

• Set your real or makeshift double boiler on the stovetop on medium-low heat. If your heat is too high, then you run the risk of making your cheese sauce grainy in texture. Think LOW AND SLOW.
• Add your Monterey Jack cheese and milk. Stir gently and constantly until you start to achieve melty goodness.
• Slowly add queso fresco until incorporated fully.
• When you've got a nice, even smoothness, slowly add the white wine until fully integrated.
• Add your hot sauce, tasting often to make sure you don't overdo it. And if you want to add the garlic, now is a good time to do so.
• When everything's nice and melty, scrape that badboy into a serving bowl and let the party begin. Boom-shakalaka.

SAFETY TIP: Nacho cheese is for spicing up your tortilla chips, not for spicing up your bedroom romance. Hot Cheese + No No Place = Irremediable Damage to Body and Soul.

Do you have your own nacho cheese recipe? Have you tried this one and want to lavish me with praise? Did it suck and now you want me to drown myself in a bowl of melted cheese? Do you have a cool picture of a llama and really want us to see it? Whatever the case, bring it on! Email us at TheTacoDiet@gmail.com


*Or zombies. Or zombie-communists. Zombunists.

The Healing Power of Burritos

This week sucked. And not just plain old regular sucked, either. It was that didn't see it coming, pulled the rug out from under you kind of suck. Like going into your favorite restaurant and ordering a nice big plate of lobster ravioli, but then instead of that, a circus clown kills your mom.

We've all been there and we all have different coping mechanisms, the most universal of which is the mass consumption of junk food. I mean c'mon, you've earned it, haven't you? On a day like today, drowning your sorrows in an extra-large pepperoni pizza or some bacon-wrapped Oreos seems a perfectly justifiable indulgence.

But you know what happens next, don't you? Oh yes, mere nanoseconds after the last greasy gulp festoons your innards with lard, you begin to see that little "indulgence" for the Lovecraftian horror it really was. Your stomach aches. Your belt strains. You're roughly half the diameter of Orson Welles. And now, on top of the craptacular week you've just endured, you find yourself plunging headlong into an ever deepening spiral of shame.

So what can you do? Your soul is BEGGING for the soothing balm of rich, full flavors and stimulating aromas! You NEED the comfort of a decadent meal! How can this be achieved without 6,000 calories and a quart of Maalox?

The answer, dear reader, is the burrito. And, may I add, duh.

When I think decadent and comforting, I think Indian. (Stick with me. There's a burrito in here, I promise.) Indian cuisine is choc-full of rich, creamy, flavor-packed dishes that envelope the senses like a great big hug, which is exactly what you need in this scenario. What's more, Indian food doesn't rely on fat or sugar to make it delicious. It's lean meats, colorful spices, nice slow cooking and a whole lotta love. It is just about impossible to be in a bad mood when you're eating good Indian cuisine.

The bad news is that ordering prepared Indian food can be pretty expensive. And to be honest, you'll be hard-pressed to find really high quality stuff, even at $20 a plate. The good news, however, is that you can make delicious Indian food on your own, with less money and effort than you might think. And the even GOOD-er news is that Indian food makes one FANTASTIC burrito. Now let's go to the kitchen and give ourselves a pick-me-up.

Chicken Tikka Masala Burrito

Ingredients:

• 3 boneless, skinless chicken breasts (free range and organic!), cut into 1"x1" cubes
• 1 cup low-fat organic PLAIN yogurt (vanilla is NOT the same as plain!)
• 1 can (8 oz.) tomato sauce
• 4 big cloves of garlic, peeled and finely grated
• 1" chunk of fresh ginger, peeled and finely grated
• 2 tsp. garam masala (you can find it in your local Indian/Asian grocery, or in the international aisle at most supermarkets)
• 1/2 tsp. sweet paprika
• 1 tsp. lemon juice
• 1 tsp. tomato paste
• dash or two of ground cinnamon
• dash of turmeric

You'll also need:

• 1 cup basmati rice
• flour tortillas (or pita/flatbread of choice)
• extra-virgin olive oil
• 1 more clove of garlic, diced small
• 8" X 10" X 2" baking pan
• aluminum foil

Process:

1. In a big ol' mixing bowl, combine yogurt, garlic, ginger, masala, paprika, tomato paste, lemon juice, cinnamon, turmeric and salt. Blend together with spatula or spoon until smooth and totally integrated.
2. Add chicken chunks to the mix. Make sure they get completely coated in the sauce. Ideally, you'll want to let this marinate in the fridge for an hour or so, but it's not completely necessary.
3. Dump the whole thing into your baking pan and cover it with tin foil. Pre-heat your oven to 350. Bake for about 40 minutes, or until chicken is tender.

In the meantime:

1. Put your rice in a medium pot (or your rice cooker) with 2 cups of water. Cook until... Know what? I'm pretty sure you can all manage to cook rice. For crap's sake, just don't burn it.
2. Rent and watch "The Hangover." Seriously, it's hilarious.

Optional:

1. Heat up a large skillet on your stovetop.
2. Add just enough olive oil to lightly coat the surface of the pan. (TIP: Hot Pan + Cold Oil = Food Won't Stick!)
3. Toss in one finely diced clove of garlic and mix around with the oil.
4. Place your tortilla (or pita or flatbread) onto the skillet. Lightly fry until SLIGHTLY crispy, maybe 1 minute tops on each side. This will just give your tortilla a little bit of that garlicy naan bread flair.

Finally:

• Spoon a bit of your basmati rice onto the tortilla. Spoon a heap of your chicken tikka masala onto the rice. Wrap it up, take a bite, and let the healing begin! I recommend enjoying this meal with a glass of sauvignon blanc.

Now, I know this recipe may seem daunting because of the long-ish list of ingredients. But really, the whole process from start to finish takes less than an hour, and doesn't involve much aside from mixing stuff in a bowl and putting it in the oven; a small price to pay for a delicious, healthy meal.

But if you're REALLY just too distressed to do it yourself, I recommend guilt-tripping a friend or loved one into making it for you. Try whining and stomping your feet a lot. It's childish, but it gets the job done. And besides, after a week like this, don't you deserve to be pampered?

Happy tacoing, people. And remember: There's always something to smile about.

*EDIT: My sincerest apologies to any reader who's mom was actually killed by a clown.